Goddamn OOP needs to remove her parents and siblings from her life before it affects her kids more
1694
u/Vast-Swimmer5844
When I explained to my Father why I turn down invites to family holidays I said "Why would you expect me to show up and act like family so that I can sit there and be treated like I'm not?" and he looked me in the eyes with the saddest expression and said "She doesn't treat me much like family, either."
So fucking what? He chose that hag. The OOP had no choice here.
May the OOP finally yeet her kids from family visits, and may her parents and siblings all reap what they sowed.
425
u/HUNGWHITEBOI25
Man i just don’t know why OOP keeps in contact with these awful people. They all sound terrible
310
u/murdocjones
She’s giving her siblings too much credit. There’s really only so long that an adult gets to correlate their behavior to how they were raised. At a certain point, you’re old enough to know better. If they could treat her children well, they could have treated her better. They just chose not to.
289
u/ChrisInBliss
... I dont understand how the sisters couldnt realize WHY OOP was so hurt. Even after them having a siblings trip WITHOUT OOP and being snobby about it. Like NO these grown adults knew what they were doing. Yes it was normalized but they still KNEW
153
u/disgruntled_cat_
Well this is horrible.
87
u/less_than_nick
Watching her try to defend her sisters gross past behavior at the end was so frustrating. Can't believe she's giving these assholes so much grace
75
u/LadyNorbert
I'm also in constant pain, and spent my entire childhood dealing with the antics of a violent alcoholic. I would rather eat glass than treat someone the way this OOP's mother has treated her.
59
u/snootnoots
She’s still being such a doormat, ye gods. 🤦♀️ And she’s basically trickle-truthing herself about how bad it is.
“Oh my mother treats me terribly, but she dotes on my children and doesn’t treat them any worse than her other grandchildren! Except for the birthday dinner thing. Well actually it turns out she’s body shaming the oldest, but she’s awesome to my middle child! Well actually she says snarky things in earshot of her all the time, but it doesn’t affect her at all. Well actually she remembers it all and can repeat it but I’m sure it doesn’t actually bother her, so I’m gonna keep letting my child go hang out with my mother after school. I’m not trusting her with my kids! I’m still letting her spend tons of time with one of them because it’s convenient for me, but I told my father that I don’t trust her to be safe or sane around them and I’m monitoring the situation VERY closely! Just not, y’know, doing anything.”
41
u/lizzyote
I get why people dont want OP to let her siblings off the hook but i get why OP is hesitant. OP is having her entire life fractured by new realizations about her family. Thats scary af. Its hard to cut off family in normal circumstances. Shes had nearly 40yrs of one kind of reality and now everything is changing. I hope her spouse and kids continue to be a supportive family unit.
25
u/Some_External4457
Reads like a hopeful update until you realize she’s still completely enmeshed and making excuses for all of them. Her mom called her daughter a pig and she’s still giving her mom access to the kids. Her sisters never apologized for being jerks about the trip but she’s convinced herself they’ve changed. In 15 years we’ll be seeing a post from OOP’s daughter asking if she’s TA for wanting to go no contact with her abusive grandmother and enabling mother. It’s sad.
24
u/z-eldapin
Jesus, OOP needs to move far away and change her number. Zero access to any of these horrible people.
23
u/mmanyquestionss
yeah she needs to cut contact with every single member of this family except maybe the nieces and nephews
13
u/glitzglamglue
First paragraph: OMG grow up. You're 38. Why do you care so much about birthdays?
Everything else: nevermind. You were right.
13
u/stanloonathx
Despite going NC with the mom and LC with the others, I think OOP still subconsciously wants a connection to her family. If she's been treated like that throughout her life it's hard to let go of that desire to be seen and accepted by people who normally would love you (because family). So it's not just her father and her sisters who need to unlearn shit, but her too. Because it's now affecting her kids. If she doesn't cut them off completely her kids will continue to see and hear things from her mother that will hurt them more.
10
u/justaheatattack
you know, you can throw your own party.
you don't even need a reason.
you don't even need anyone else to show up.
ask me how I know!
10
u/moontiara16
OOP keeps saying her middle child is not effected by NMom’s behavior. Meanwhile, OOP had no idea NMom was calling eldest “piggy” and “oinker.” OOP is doing better but damn, she’s still allowing caustic behavior.
Edit: missed a word
8
u/Due_Enthusiasm1145
I know a lot of people will be quick to tell OOP to cut off everyone, but honestly I completely understand her mindset around her sisters.
She acknowledges she has every right to cut them off, and at no point indicates any obligation to them. Instead, her reasoning for low contact is that they are showing massive improvement compared to where they were, and that while she's watching carefully for any disrespectful or hostile behavior, she hasn't seen any or expects any. She also acknowledges she'd cut them off instantly if she received any.
The fact that they haven't apologized sucks, but again if they are treating her well now, I think at that point its no longer a "you should cut them off" and more a "you could cut them off". The choice is hers and I understand it, even if I may have made a different choice in her position.
The father is more messy, because there's finances involved there.
8
u/GeneralPhilosophy691
Honestly, OOP is being dumb by not biting the bullet and moving. Her dad is still her landlord, and eventually her mom will get pissed off enough to get him to evict her/not renew her lease unless she "comes to her senses and attends family gatherings" again. She doesn't have a lot of power in this situation because of that.
7
u/XemptOne56
OOPs mom sounds very unpleasant to be around. She is projecting hardcore...
6
u/ceejread
Her middle child is going to either develop a people pleasing need to avoid getting the kind of snide comments and freezing out that she sees/hears from grandma, or she’s going to be encouraged to disrespect her parents and family because grandma manipulates her into seeing them as the problem.
It’s a shame if she enjoys her time with grandparents, but by the time it’s clear there’s a problem and contact stops, the damage might not be reversible.
Also I give OOP grace with her siblings. They are all operating under the theory that if isn’t the outright emotional abuse the mother does, it’s not abuse or worthy of an apology. Hopefully she gets stronger and realises that ignorance does not excuse repeated poor behaviour.
6
u/fionsichord
Sadly, when a set of siblings is raised in such dysfunction- alcoholic, checked out dad and a conflict-addicted mother - the siblings are shaped by that and it can be hard to impossible to really let go of all the misinformation you used to build your image of that person.
Without a bunch of really top-notch therapy over a fairly extended period of time, OOP is better off lowering or cutting contact and reevaluating her expectations of what it’s possible to achieve in a relationship with them.
I had to give up my dream of maybe being the one who got my family to connect more genuinely or securely. Enough of the older people had already decided my role in the system and I’m only now realising that a lot of them have an idea of me that’s very different to how I’d see myself, but which would explain my difficulty in connecting to many of them and why they don’t reach out to me.
6
u/PracticeTheory
Hey, this was my mother in her family! Down to the mean spirited mother than used cooking as a weapon and a spineless father.
Along with the abuse she suffered growing up (called things like 'ugly duckling', 'big nose', made to do the most chores, and stay silent as her siblings were given more), it was also put on her kids. It was as if the harder my mom yearned for her approval and tried to please her, the more it disgusted her.
The first way it came towards us was that after agreeing to babysit me so my mom could go back to work (at the time my mom believed having a grandchild would mend their relationship)...the week after I was born, the woman went out and got the first job she'd ever had, and kept it just until I was accepted into daycare a couple of years later. This pushed my parents to reconnect with my dad's estranged mother, who watched me instead and I love and cherish to this day.
When my mom's mom found out, she screamed at nice grandma in the middle of the grocery store for ruining her scheme to screw over my mom.
Nasty!grandma went on to babysit all five of my cousins.
My mom still wanted us to have a relationship with her, so she'd still bring us over on some weekends. I hated going because she only served us freezerburnt corndogs that came from a huge bag that wasn't touched in between our visits. Not that the company was much of a draw either, since all I saw was a bitter, lazy woman.
At the witch's funeral, all of my cousins, aunts, and uncles reminisced about how good her food was and how much she loved to feed people. And me and my sister just looked at each other wondering if they were talking about someone else. Because accordingly to all these people that woman had kindness in her, but we never saw it.
I wasn't sad when she died. I had/have a loving grandma and it wasn't that one. We'd spent years on years telling my mother that she deserved better than she got and I don't think she was all that sad in the end, either.
6
u/itsjustmo_
My own mother could have written this same post.
The people who told her she has to run now to protect her kids are right. What OP is too lost in the FOG to recognize is that when her mother is gone, the entire family system is going to turn on her all over again. I'm a probate paralegal on top of my personal experience. Its a Canon event and we cannot interfere. If the mom is using her pain as an excuse, the recognition and full accounting of what it was like to be her children will come only once the excuse of her pain is gone and buried with her.
6
u/AgonistPhD
I am baffled as to why the OP doesn't just move and cut contact with all of them.
6
u/Fly0ver
This is NOT to excuse the dads actions, but potentially relevant to those who don’t deal with alcoholism:
Recently I was let go from a very VERY toxic job that had done a lot to hurt me for a long time. My sponsor (in case anyone doesn’t understand: my sponsor in sobriety from alcoholism) asked me to examine why I stayed for so long so I can address the situation in the future if it comes up again. She pointed out that she did the same thing and how many of us sober alcoholics choose to stay in abusive situations because we’re atoning for our previous actions; we think we deserve less than nothing from others.
Again, NOT EXCUSING the dad. I can let anything towards myself go until it hurts someone I love, so I would never in a million years act like him.
But my sisters, who aren’t alcoholics but grew up needing to placate my dad, see things as “that’s just how he is.” They stand up to him when it’s in regard to their husbands and kids, but it’s very easy to feel like “this doesn’t hurt me because I’m used to it, so why rock the boat” when you’re raised in an abusive household.
Dad unfortunately very probably thinks he deserves mistreatment and is used to this dynamic, so rocking the boat feels more painful — even when standing up for his kids — than just dealing with the situation, especially if he can’t gain the self respect to see that he also doesn’t deserve this treatment.
5
u/thematicturkey
I wonder if things changed when her dad got sober. Maybe he was the target before OOP, just like now Mom is looking for someone new to target
5
u/SharMarali
I wonder if OOP ever tried asking to have her birthday celebrated on a completely different day, like in June or something.
I’m only wondering what kind of excuse her mother would’ve come up with. I definitely know this wouldn’t have solved the problem. It just would’ve been fun to see the mother try to spin a story about why it’s so important to celebrate on the actual birthday and then continue to not celebrate because it’s too inconvenient for her.
5
u/PuzzleheadedTap4484
Just wow… and I don’t agree letting the middle child go because she’s too young to understand OOP’s mother’s snide remarks. Kids know and understand. She may not understand the words but she understands the tone. And when she gets older she’ll reflect on the words and understand. I would have removed them from that toxicity and also moved away from mom and dad being landlords. In 9 months I’m sure they would have found something else, even if it’s not as ideal, it would be better than the toxicity.
5
u/deedeejayzee
I have a "suicide " disease and don't treat people like crap all the time. I might say something in a harsher tone than I meant to, but I immediately apologize. If you're in pain, it doesn't give you the right to cause pain for others
4
u/Zealousideal_Tea5988
My dad was also in chronic, untreatable pain. Never once did that man yell or scream, hit or ignore me. Much less blame any of his actions on his pain levels. Stop giving excuses for crappy behavior that is a choice. Think better of yourself OP, and your kids...
4
u/Moist_Drippings
To anybody being treated this poorly by your parents: your kids are NOT flourishing if they are routinely sent to visit someone who is openly abusive, even if they are only abusive to you. That tells them that that behavior is okay (from multiple angles). For your kids’ sakes, do not allow them time with abusive grandparents, no matter how much you think/believe/hope they will be kinder to them. Do not let them see that they should give any allowances or make any company with someone who will abuse you, or they may think they should act the same way and allow it to happen to them.
4
u/Similar-Shame7517
Yeah... I don't trust OOP's father and sisters to not continue to be her mother's puppets.
4
u/ThingFabulous2336
God I needed to read this today. 35 weeks pregnant and just gone no/low contact with my mother after years of abuse and being the scapegoat to my brothers golden child and I’ve been struggling so much with the guilt. My dad is similarly in denial / doesn’t think mums done anything bad. My one saving grace is my brother is finally de programming from years of hating me, and think i was awful and selfish, to seeing how I was victimised from childhood. Which helps but also hurts so much to finally hear I wasn’t imagining it.
4
u/BaseHitToLeft
Sooner or later sometime is going to slap the hell out of that "Mother".
(Not advocating violence, don't ban me, just predicting the future)
4
u/summercloudsadness
OOP needs to put some physical distance between her and her family ASAP. It's difficult to enforce boundaries when your patent is your landlord. Once OOP will taste a life far away from them,she will automatically thirst for more freedom and less contact. Atleast do it for the kids. I have seen many families that suddenly flourish once they had to move away for employment reasons. Such a blessing in disguise.
4
u/Legitimate_Book_5196
She's giving her sisters way too much credit and it's going to bite her in the ass. I understand she can't see it after years of being treated poorly but they still are not treating her the way she deserves to be treated.
4
u/Icy_Bowl509
She really isn’t standing up for yourself at all. She keeps her hand in hoping for change that’s never coming. She has a beautiful family of her own. That should be her focus. Cut the mentally draining ppl out of her life.
4
u/Hesitation-Marx
she is in CONSTANT pain
All I can say is… good.
3
u/BabserellaWT
Take as old as time. What happens when the scapegoat decides they’ve had it and peace out? The abuser finds another target. Suddenly the golden kids care about the abuse, what a shock!
3
u/Mattriculated
"Except for the birthday dinners, my mom doesn't treat me or the kids differently."
She says this after having listed at least two other ways she's treated different, and goes on to list three to five more...
3
u/maywellflower
Suckiness of being December baby, I have similar situation as OOP where family made me pick between birthday or Christmas as present and/or party, but can never have both despite birthdaybeing weeks earlier. Now family is permanently pissed off at me because I go away on vacation for my birthday for like week or 2, so need nor way for them pull birthday or Christmas stupidity on me due to me taking that "choice" away.
OOP's mother probably losing her mind while lashing at everyone remaining because OOP both took the choice away regarding December and showing that simply "Sorry" is not going cut it due not physically coming back during year over the last straw that broken camel's back AKA the trip. Now if OOP can finally do right by the kids and nor let them see grandma again - OOP will effectively cut off the supply of abuse of access to any children of OOP, that the only kids the mother will abuse going forward are sisters. Sucks, but better them than any children of OOP, including stepkid, at this point....
3
u/Internal_Praline_658
Dude, OP needs so much more therapy. Her shitty sisters need to bounce. They had to get verbally abused themselves to see it’s a problem. And no apology. Fuck the dad too. He’s still married to it and supporting it.
3
u/TopAd7154
OOP needs to bin the whole lot of them. What a disgusting bunch.
3
u/TypicalManagement680
This is a frustrating read. I could just shake OOP, my god.
OOP admitted (and abides) her mother showing favoritism with her kids’ birthdays, does she not think her kids are not noticing that?! Before they his recent incident, OOP would’ve said her mother treated her kids great, the same mother showing birthday favoritism, a shared experience between OOP and her kids. Why would she even want her mother around as any sort of influence and role model to her kids?! OOP is still refusing to see things clearly and fully regarding her mother at ALL.
Why does it have to take for her mother to be abusive towards the children for her to stop them from going over there, she knows her mother is abusive asf and really should’ve shut down any and all opportunities for her to be abusive towards her children.
3
u/Wise_Relation_6949
What a sad, mean woman. Fully NTA in the least. Shame on the family for never standing up to her because they don’t want to draw the fire.
3
u/Boggers111
What a shit family, her sisters still haven’t apologised. The dad is a spineless coward.
3
u/Chandlerdd
DNA does not make a family. Find those who are kind, thoughtful and considerate. Cultivate friendships with friends and leave every single family member in the dust.
I wish years of happiness for you, husband and children.!!
3
u/Heavy-Macaron2004
Ah, yeah that sounds like a middle child. Poor OOP.
3
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