it was taking every bit of self control to not immediately throw her out of the house
Throwing her out is exactly what you should have done. It doesn't need to be a 'conversation' it just needs to be you telling her she's not welcome and hanging up the damn phone never to talk to her again.
19
u/DejectedDIL
She would absolutely never step foot in my home again after calling me that. Please rid this woman (if you can call her that) from your life.
18
u/QueenMadge
Just from here you've been called a bitch and a whore (that you know of), he's been called a waste of space/lazy and she hates him, she admits to parental alienation against her own brother and alienating you guys from your niece with bad mouthing. Again this is just the things you guys even know about. She ditches you for months hoping you'll chase her. Saying nothing is getting you nowhere. How long until your baby starts getting alienated from you? Because that peppa pig anecdote was the start.
My advice is to make a physical list of everything you can think of that she's done, present it to your husband and ask if he would think it was OK if you did this stuff to your own child. Ask him why its ok for him. Then announce that you'll be protecting your child and yourself with no contact from her. He's welcome to keep at it but he must know she will ramp up her manipulation and horrible behavior and to keep you out of it. I suggest therapy for him.
15
u/justhewayouare
I don’t have any advice cause you already updated. However, I laughed so hard when you called Peppa a B cause DAMN! She’s not Caillou but in my book she’s second place.
14
u/fryingthecat66
When she called me a whore,that would have been it. I would have kicked her ass out and gone NC with her disgusting ass
If DH wants to still keep in contact that is his prerogative but you tell him that you and LO will not, that she'll never see your daughter again
14
u/SomewhatBougieAuntie
Your husband can do what he wants, but and your baby can cut MIL off for yourselves. Do not allow her in your house, do not go to her house and do not allow your husband to take your baby anywhere near her.
He can either whine about or get with the program.
14
u/Kuchaloo
I don't know what MIL could have done differently if she purposefully wanted you out of her life! Good on you for choosing peace. I don't know how or why you held back at the first instance of her über rude demeanor, but that's over now. You don't ever have to see her or hear from her again. There'snothing to salvage.
13
u/Striking_Physics1894
Why are you even asking this? You should just go NC and block this bitch who apparently hates you, her own son and grandchild. Life's too short for that.
13
u/Chi-lan-tro
I think that you should read Harriet Lerner’s “The Dance of Anger”. In her book she talks about how under-reacting is JUST AS BAD as over-reacting to your feelings of anger.
That when you under-react, you build resentment, which continues to build until you snap and over-react to something small and then you have to eat crow. But if you react appropriately you will have respected your feelings of anger, and you will feel GOOD.
In this case you say that you’re pretty confrontational but I find that you’re NOT reacting ‘enough’ in the moment. I assume it’s because you don’t want to over-react. I think it’s perfectly valid to respond to her, in the moment, but it doesn’t have to turn into a full-fledged fight.
“Did you just call me a bitch?”
Or better yet:
“Well, that was not on my bingo card for today, I’ll be taking my baby now.” And go into another room with the baby, close the door and don’t come out until shes gone. Text DH “your mom called me a bitch, can you ask her to leave and let me know when she’s gone?”
13
u/bookwormingdelight
I’ve come in after the edit you posted, but therapy did amazing things for my husband processing MIL’s behaviour.
We set really firm boundaries. He went temporarily NC while doing therapy and then considered group therapy with his parents.
When the therapist spoke to him one on one before group therapy it became very clear that neither ILs have made improvement, they want the answer on how to “fix it” and there were heaps of other issues raised by the therapist.
My husband went and saw his own therapist again and realised he didn’t want to deal with this anymore and went permanently NC.
Best advice I can give is just do regular check ins with how he’s feeling. Validate his feelings. I kept my complaints factual and not emotional about her. As much as I would like to, I did that with friends. With him it was easier to process facts.
I also made it clear that he’s an amazing father and husband and protective and it’s not fair he has to feel like crap every time he sees his family and deal with issues.
Since going NC it’s been PEACEFUL.
12
u/JaeJames138
Why on earth do you allow that rancid cow anywhere near you ?! Holy crap, cut her off, and tell SO she's not to be near your children. Ewww. Just gross !
10
u/Jackaxed014
WHY are you or your husband or your BIL/SIL letting this awful woman stay around your children? What exactly do you think someone this immature and toxic is going to teach them as they grow up? Jettison this woman out of your life and advise BIL/SIL to do it, too, though they may be more enmeshed because BIL is the golden child.
I seriously do not understand the thought process here. This woman is petty, cruel, manipulative, and just straight-up immature. She has nothing to recommend her as a human being. She has nothing to offer you or your children on a human level. She "ices you out" like a pouting child and openly insults you in ways I would never accept from anyone. If she calls you a "whore" and a "bitch", what kind of things do you think she's going to say to your daughter, her less valued grandchild?
Sorry, but just like-- advice?! The advice is cut this woman the fuck off. Never let her into your life again, and make sure husband is on the same page. If I was your husband I'd let the bitch die alone, because she's made it clear she does not love or respect him and she only wants to keep him around so she can hurt him.
10
u/alwaysabouttosnap
I understand you don’t want to ice her out completely. But at the same time, you sort of imply that you do. You don’t want contact with her and you don’t want her to have contact with your baby, all for valid reasons. I understand she’s your husband’s mother and you don’t want to push him to not have contact with his mother. The good news is that you don’t have to! He can have as much of a relationship with his mother as he wants. But you and your child don’t need to, she doesn’t need to be welcome in your home, and you can tell anyone (especially her) to politely fuck off if they have a problem with it.
As far as I’m concerned you don’t get to call me a bitch and a whore and say you don’t even like your own son and still get access to me, my child and my home. If your husband has no spine and refuses to let go of a relationship with her then that’s a him problem. But you’re a mother and you have an obligation to protect that baby and you need to have more respect for yourself.
10
u/Emotional-Place9446
I would’ve been NC for a long time already.
10
u/TargetWild9004
I can’t understand why you guys would want someone around who insults the both of you so openly. She’s already doing it in front of your child, and has admitted she uses her niece to get what she wants.
You guys will be no different. She will not change. She will keep treating you like the dirt on the bottom of your shoe. Do you really want this person around your child? Someone who called me a whore AND a bitch would not be stepping foot in my house let alone holding my child. If you’re as confrontational as you say you are you need to be that person and then not care about the fit MIL will throw. She keeps doing it because you let her.
10
u/sjyffl
I think you definitely need to call her out on the rude comments OP. She straight up called you nasty names - twice. And doubled down when given an out the first time. She knows what she’s doing and because she hasn’t hit a barrier - yet - she keeps doing it. Next time - you need to walk over, remove child from her lap, and say, “Since Nana thinks it’s ok to say that Mommy is a b****, then Nana should go home.”
End of story. Once the tears start, you simply say - she said it, you heard it, and there’s the door. She should not be welcome until she can learn some respect. She’s insulting you in your home, OP. In front of your child, and by saying nothing, it will not stop.
10
u/where-ya-been-loca
Best option: cut her out of our lives and never speak to her again. She is so disrespectful and doesn’t bring anything but stress and anger and pain.
Other option: call her out every time she says or does something. That’s enough of no one being confrontational. She’s an intentional bitch and should be put in her place or she’s never welcomed. Your SO is used to being berated so he is not strong enough to stand up for you and your family. You need to be the one to put your foot down and stop taking it.
I’m so upset for you and I’d have a field day removing this woman from my life if I were you.
9
u/Consistent-Tree6802
Why are you allowing her to disrespect you over and over again? Madness😣
8
u/Lindris
Your SO needs to ask himself if his mother could ever possibly bring any good by having a relationship with your daughter. The answer is pretty obvious.
Protect your child. Even if it’s from people who are suppose to be family.
8
u/luludarlin
Loool if someone called me a whore that would have been the last time they’d have seen my face. She obviously doesn’t get any consequences for the way she’s treating you, that’s why she keeps doing it. I’d not want this vile woman near me or my child.
8
u/shrimpscampy311
You should’ve kicked her out for the whore and bitch comments. Just ignoring it was not the way.
I also don’t know why you would want to go to her events or visit her. Your child not having a relationship with her isn’t a loss. She’s just gonna retain the nasty stuff she says as she gets older.
8
u/TankDartRopeGirl
I think a really good place to approach this from with SO is that you don't want your child to grow up with the same sort of mental abuse as he did. Ask him if that's really what he wants for your child? Does he want them belittled, used in power plays and watching their parents take this sort of treatment which can create a blueprint on what is or isn't ok to accept from others for them in future?
Obviously this woman is beyond vile and needs to be out of your life and your kids life asap, but it might help SO to frame it as what it really is, protecting your child and doing everything in your power to make sure they grow up healthy, balanced and with good relationship skills and boundaries. The generational impact people like this can have is impossible to over exaggerate, and he can either let the damage continue, or he can look after his family (both you and baby!) and forge a new, healthier path
I hope I'm making sense, and I wish you all the luck. I saw you mentioned somewhere that SO had agreed to therapy, I think that's an excellent idea if it's within your means, he'll have a lot to unpack and he'll need some new tools in his toolbox for helping raise the next healthier, happier generation.
I hope you have a really good support network around you also, this is horrible to go through and will be filled with lots of emotional ups and downs. Protect yourself and protect your child, I hope SO can get on board!
7
u/Vibe_me_pos
Firstly, SO needs therapy. He needs to purge her from his life because she is only a source of pain for him. Secondly, I agree that she should not be around you or your child again for all the reasons you stated.
The woman is a monster and she will continue to torture her son and will torture your child as soon as they are aware of her behavior.
7
u/Electronic_Animal_32
You should have thrown her out. You came across as weak. Don’t worry about you child. Better not to be around this b… h. Just keep throwing her out when she’s inappropriate or better yet refuse to see her. It’s gotten to that point already. And keep baby with you.
6
u/Girrcollege
Looks like you might have to enter your villain arc. Just tell your SO that you will not raise children around a person that constantly in continuously, disrespect said children’s parents and that you and your child will be going no contact effective immediately. That means she is banned from y’all house too. Be the villain, scorch the earth by nuking it and everything within 100 miles.
6
u/brent_bent
That's awesome to hear! Glad you're going NC with her and looks like hubby is heading that way after some time in therapy because it'll teach him she's treating him like shit and the solution to that is to drop the rope not try to win their love by continuing to have them in their life. Congrats on your lovely baby and kicking the witch out of y'all's life.
5
u/Otherwise-Wall-6950
If SO agrees with you then you're on the right track. Match her energy. She can't get her way and ices you out? Perfect!
5
u/Legal-Baby-5130
My husband cut out my mil and fil for the sake of our family for similar reasons you described. I think something I find crazy is how people are talking about the rising trend of people cutting out their parents and how selfish our generation is. But I think what's really happening is that we are trying and attempting to fix what's broken and make it better for our kids and families and when no change occurs after multiple failed attempts we just leave because it seems the best thing for the situation. I think if you have really tried and been patient and given so many chances and things haven't improved, then it is often better to just walk away and move forward.
3
u/1039198468
Understand from an outsides perspective you both should stop engaging with this woman. She brings nothing but stress and she WILL either favor BIL’s child at the expense of yours or undermine your child’s relationship with you when she can. You don’t mention your FIL. Is he involved at all? What does SOs relationship with him look like? Either way while I would support an extremely passive stance I think a more honest approach would be to either call her out EVERY TIME she says anything or NC for all three of you.
3
u/642398049
Does your SO confront his mother over the horrible things she has called you? That’s absolutely disgusting. I would be having a serious conversation with your SO about cutting his mother out and if he wants a relationship with her he can do that, but not you or your child, I’d be worried about when your daughter is older and can understand words and conversations better, what’s gonna stop MIL from talking badly about you infront of her😳
3
u/botinlaw
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