I was very young when my sister's orthodontist noticed my jaws were misaligned. I wasn't even a patient there. I was just pulled along by my mom when we were picking my sister up. The orthodontist was really worried about me, saying I might need to get jaw surgery when I'm older if I don't get it fixed now. I remember the concern on his face and the dismissiveness on my mom's face. I don't remember how old I was but it was definitely one of my earliest memories
My mom laughed and said I would pay for it myself when I'm older
I carried that idea of my health and me as a person wasn't worth helping throughout my formative years and into adulthood, where I grew up to be a very much fucked up person psychologically
It's only been recently where, like a caged animal, I found my claws and fangs and finally took steps to pick myself up, but I'm walking on broken legs. I will never know who I could've been, what I could've done, if I were given the self-confidence people with normal jaws have
After all those lost years and psychological harm done to me, I will never forgive my parents
123
u/DarkThanos12
That ortho treatment probably wouldn't have saved you.
I have an underbite and I actually went through ortho treatment at age 9. All they did was camouflage orthodontics - extracted 4 teeth and pushed everything back, temporarily fixing my bite.
NOW, my underbite is back. I now have 4 missing teeth I will never get back. And now I still have to do jaw surgery!
I would’ve been better off without treatment. At least I would have all my teeth.
These orthos actually do not know what they're doing. They don't even understand how their treatment impacts your airway or jaw development.
70
u/ellieelaine
Hm, I'll give you a counter-point.
Like you, my childhood dentist told my parents I needed orthodontic treatment. They wanted to give me the best and they weren't rich but they agreed.
The orthodontist gave me an expander (good), braces (ok sure), and high-pull headgear (BAD). This was mid-90s, and headgear was already proven to do more harm than good by the late-80s. But he was an older dentist and not up-to-date. The headgear messed up my joints, shrank my maxilla, fucked up my bite, and distorted my face to the point that my muscles were always in spasm. I was in constant pain from my 20s onward. I started breathing through my mouth, which further affected my face.
The part I'm mad about: they didn't get 2nd or 3rd opinions or treatment options, or take me to a real orthodontist.
(This dentist also fucked up my sisters face by pulling 4 molars.)
I had DJS in my early 30s, 9 years ago. I'm having a UJS revision next month. Wish me luck.
43
u/damnthatsgud
It's hard for parents to make their child go through a heavy medical procedure unless their child's life is endangered. And they will most likely to pick a less invasive alternative if advised so by a medical professional. They most likely didn't think your underbite affected your life this much. Most people dont honestly. Power to all of us here for wanting to improve ourself in that aspect but folks with jaw discrepancy are out there and living their best and happy life without thinking their facial handicap.
35
u/geekette1
My mom told me that it was me that didn't want braces. At 9 years old!!! I can't forgive her if she puts the blame on my 9 years old self.
23
u/Retrojaw
My parents NEVER took me to any orthodontist at all and my dad still thinks my djs is unnecessary and essentially a plastic surgery and mocks it publicly in front of others. My mom was always half hearted and hasn’t really exactly been supportive pf the surgery, though my doctors and I have done ample explaining, but she did accompany me when needed.
So I’m essentially in a similar kind of position to you, so I hope you believe when I say, I understand you.
My solution to your question or our dilemma is this. Don’t let those begrudging thoughts crowd your mind constantly, nor allow your anger to do something stupid. We’re both young, maybe substantially or partially still connected and dependant on our family. This in NO WAY means, I’m asking you to forgive them.
Now, I try to stay as calm as possible, maintain my distance and explain my side if any situation arises, but without too much effort. I’m just going to focus on my development, finding and building a career and probably slowly distance myself more and more as I can. As selfish or cold as this might sound, they did the same and don’t deserve any better and I’m not running a charity for the undeserved here.
So try to enjoy your life as much as you can, because if you let this feeling of vengeance and anger dominate your mind, you’ll just be ruining your own fun and happiness.
13
u/Redsqa
No. My palate was too small and I had malocclusion. My mother asked me when I was 11 if I wanted braces. I said no, because I was worried about looking funny at school. She asked me a couple times like it's my decision to make at that age. That was it. 20 years later, my jaws didn't develop properly, I have severe sleep apnea and need surgery. Aesthetically, I don't look bad, but from a health standpoint the effects have been dreadful. I resent her stupidity and naivety. She noticed the problem. She knew the solution. She was the adult. Why the fuck did she think it was her child's decision to make? Ah yes, children, known for their tendency to take the harder path and act in their long-term self interest. Whenever I complained, when I was a young adult, about not getting ortho earlier, she would reply "But you said you didn't want braces so...".
13
u/crmsnprd
As a high schooler, my orthodontist wanted to do jaw surgery and my mom said no. Currently post-MARPE and on my second round of braces 30 years later navigating all the hoops to try and get it done. It’s super frustrating. Sending solidarity, OP.
9
u/WhyamIhere977
You can judge me if you want. While my sibling(the first child) got all the attention and doctors, orthodontist eye doctor and others.. and turned out to be a pretty good looking guy with a fully functional body, I(third child) didn't even get braces despite the fact I remember telling them my jaw is cracking bad while I was eating, I think I was around 10 maybe, of course I didn't know anything about the cause and consequences back then but still they did nothing. I can't lie sometimes I'm jealous of my brother even though it's not his fault
Anyhow my upper protruding teeth somehow adjusted on their own some 5-6 years later but in return both my jaws are recessed which not only caused me problems medically but also socially, I could never do anything I wanted, could never talk to people I like because my underdeveloped, and imbalanced ugly face is unattractive and even now in my late 20s everywhere I go it's killing me mentally until I get surgery, and even then it will be too late to live how I always wanted. And they still don't care about my concern despite being the reason for it
Some days I can't sleep thinking about all my wasted potential and what life I could have been living and for that alone I just cannot forgive them
8
u/Fickle_Restaurant312
I think we all have to be in that place of acceptance. I actually don’t think that they perform jaw surgeries on people until they are over 18-20 as the soft pallets and bones are still forming. So you got on top of it quickly. How are the results? Are you happy?
I am sorry you had to go through this and those feelings. I have similar feelings to yours. My parents and I were told I needed this surgery I was terrified and didn’t want it to change my face etc I made the worst decision at 25 to have veneers put on my teeth from damage resulting from my bite. It was supposed to fix the undercrossbite that I had. It did cosmetically maybe slightly my teeth just landed on each other but the veneers were pretty but are failing and now I still need the surgery. Which I am still so terrified of I am now 44. I think those of us facing this issue of jaw surgery is so incredibly overwhelming. For us individually our families the finances the issues around insurance the fear about changing ones face and going under. It’s all a lot. I hope you get to a place where you can forgive your family 💕
5
u/Character-Sort-5575
I guess we have the same parents.
5
u/0fficerD00fy
My other was very conscious about her mouth protruding out like a monkey. She did not want that for me so when I was a baby and bring breastfed she would forcefully push on my upper lip/upper jaw to stop my mouth from forming like hers. I do believe that this has contributed somewhat to my underbite. I had UJS last year and am now due for sinus surgery to fix my deviated septum and perforated septum. I've forgiven my mum, just upsetting to know that I could've avoided all this if my mum didn't brutalize me when I was a new born baby.
5
u/United_Ad8618
here's some reading material OP
https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804
https://www.amazon.com/No-Bad-Parts-Restoring-Wholeness/dp/1683646681
https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
5
u/Major_Hassle1
I wouldn’t be too hard on parents. My parents really tried when I was a kid and I still had to get DJS. I’ve had orthodontic care multiple times growing up. I had braces when I was 12 years of old, 16 years old, and finally the past 4-5 years.
Although I am upset with them that I got the genetics. I’m not made that they really did try to help even though it was really hard for them financially.
You might have still been in my type of situation. You never know.
5
u/pinksweets8
I had treatment for my overbite as a child and I still needed jaw surgery as an adult
4
u/FalseFail9027
health neglect is very common, it just means ur parents didn't bond with you as much as they should have
4
u/No-Evidence-416
yeah i feel you. i told my mother i might need jaw surgery and get it checked. and she said i didn’t need all that, i am not a celebrity like taylor swift and i don’t need allat “bs” to enhance confidence or whatever. she was suggesting that i should accept defeat, find a partner and settle like that for the rest of my life 🫠
i slept with my grandparents growing up, not my parents nor did i have my own room. i have lip incompetence, i mouth breathed growing up, i had the milk bottle up till i was 11 yrs old, which caused a lot of misalignments in my jaw. they failed to notice that. i never learnt how to properly brush my teeth, i hated the texture of toothpaste and would go weeks on end without brushing my teeth. when i was 15 i begged for braces, got made fun of by own family members for having vampire teeth. i only got braces treatment at almost age 19. i feel like its just neglect at this point.
4
u/SnooDoubts8688
To be the devil's advocate, it may be difficult for parents to take their 8 year old only child through what they probably thought was a surgery. You probably looked like the cutest 8 year old bean in their eyes, they didn't see anything "wrong" with you functionally at the time. Maybe they distrusted the evaluation. And after that it just slipped their mind and never gave thought into it.
My parents never took me to ortho, ever in my life. I had and still have very crooked teeth to this day, and had extremely painful jaw pain as an adult. I think a lot of our parents were still young adults at the time, and just simply failed to make the "right" decision. I could've wished for them to be more responsible about my dental health, but they took care of me in all other aspects of life. So, no harm done.
What matters is that you took matters into your own hands at 21 and handled it. And what matters more is you went through it in your early 20's! I looked into ortho options past 30, and it required so many different surgeries that I gave up.
Cheers
4
u/ricey_is_my_lifey
I think there a lot more similar people to you than you realize. My parents delayed orthodontic treatment from about 10 years old to 15-16, and by that time traditional expanders were no longer a recommended way of treatment, so I ended up getting extractions and then camouflage orthodontics. Looking back if I was more informed that would have been the right time to start thinking of surgery.
Anyways to answer the question, I can forgive them, but only because they see the byproduct of their actions. (Actually probably not, they probably have some weird excuse). But I see it as the same battle, we both share annoyances with some of my personal shortcomings in academics and life in general, which I can at least attribute to these developmental deficiencies, and allow me to spend less time comparing myself to others and their level of success because others do not share the same struggle.
But yes, I do think of it as their responsibility; the choice to be uninformed, ignorant etc, when others around you already know to do it right.
4
u/Entire_Garden3929
Double jaw surgery isn’t really recommended for kids because your bones are still growing. So it’s a bigger risk than waiting until the time you did it
For perspective I was later due to insurance bullshit. Placing your anger at your parents is dumb and you still got it done at a young age. You’ll look back and not even care. Live your life don’t hate your parents.
4
u/Useful-Command9039
28, in the same boat. hugs
3
u/mistyflannigan
I finally had jaw surgery at age 25 when I could pay for it myself. My parents never paid for anything, including college. I couldn’t see the board in school and the nurse sent a letter to my parents recommending an eye exam. I got glasses at 18 when I paid myself. Some of us have parents who should have never been allowed to breed. You take care of yourself. Since they didn’t take care of you, maybe you won’t have to take care of them during their golden years.
3
u/CanadianCutie77
I have a similar story! Had my Mother put braces on me at a young age I wouldn’t have needed the surgery at 16 which I made the appointment for and I wouldn’t have had to endure at that childhood bullying.
2
u/Glad_Bodybuilder6997
I asked my dad about all of this and his claims the orthodontist never told him. I asked him for old files and he can’t find them. Soo… 🤷♀️ idk, but being mad about it won’t change the reality of my situation now and what I have to do
2
u/KainMassadin
When I was like 8 they took me to a dentist who said he needs treatment because “noone will like/love someone whose face looks like a shoe”. They didn’t defend me.
At 11 I had very little discipline with brushing and flossing, plus wearing that face mask thing. I was a kid and had only bad experiences going to dentists at that point. They didn’t help me by being strict when they had to.
I always tell myself that regretting and blaming is sooo easy, which is why I shouldn’t follow that path. They’ve been great and supportive in other aspects, but I’m amazed at how oblivious they are in seeing how the consequences have affected me (especially considering my dad had to go though the same DJS procedure!). Years of bullying and negative self perception have done a number on my mental, and now adult me has to clean up all the mess, I guess that’s just life.
2
u/_neviesticks
Yes, but only after a lot of therapy. And I guess it's forgiveness in that I've let it go, but I'm not going to trust their opinions about anything moving forward. Frankly, the jaw stuff was just emblematic of their neglectful parenting. They were both emotionally immature and irresponsible parents.
2
u/WillowRoutine4658
I’m 28 and I get angry towards my parents every time I look in the mirror or look at my sisters. I have 3 sisters and they all got braces. I did not, despite needing it the most out of all of us. I had teeth extractions at age 10 because of crowding due to my recessed jaws. I had all 4 wisdom teeth removed at age 12 in hopes to again, make more room. At age 15 my parents were told I needed surgery. My parents turned around and said I was doing it on purpose. That I was sticking my lower jaw out because I wanted to be special. I had a horrible lisp and they would stick their jaws out and mock me with a fake lisp. It was so bad that I worked hard to compensate with different and unnatural tongue movements to prevent my lisp. I tried my hardest to suck my lower jaw inwards when my mouth was closed which just made my chin look longer. I never even got regular braces to correct my crooked teeth at least.
My face was the main thing I was bullied for throughout my childhood. I got called so many names, the bullying felt like scenes straight out of a freaking movie. Kick me signs on my back, I got asked out as a joke by boys all the time. I got called crimson chin, quagmire, American dad. I got told I was the missing link. Asked if I was inbred. The harassment was so bad I wanted to kms many times and my parents didn’t give me a safe space from the bullying bc they continued it at home. I was quiet, read and studied all day, I was always in my room just to avoid being called names.
I was so miserable that I skipped grades so I could graduate at age 16 and moved 15 hours away. Of course none of my minimum wage jobs paid enough to get good insurance that covered it but in a new city, people weren’t mean to me anymore. At age 24 I got a great job and amazing insurance, I’m now 28, took a few years to get things sorted, tests done and I finally got my braces on last year. My surgery is in September.
My parents have since apologized and my dad has sent me a couple thousand to cover my out of pocket costs. The only reason they’ve apologized is because I post often on TikTok about my journey with the bullying, my braces and my upcoming surgery. I posted a lot about saving up for the surgery and my mom cried when she saw a video of me online crying about “how can I make myself prettier” and it was the first time she realized how deeply it had affected me. I frequently talked about how beautiful my sisters are and how I’m frequently forgotten when people talk about our family because of my looks. Sharing these things online where family and friends saw, my parents kind of realized how big of shits they were. My mom apologizes frequently and has already committed to flying out to help me recover from surgery and take care of my two kids (which btw yes I did find love and have kids and I’m actively monitoring both their dental health. They go to the dentist every 6 months despite both being under 3 years old!). My dad apologizes by sending me money. $500 a month and telling me to save it for surgery or to extend my time off from work. I do forgive them as their child but as a parent myself now, I get mad because I would never treat my kids like that. Ever.
2
u/StephCurrySauce
It’s tough because for me my parents were told braces alone wouldn’t fix my issue as a child and that I needed a jaw surgery when I was older and to get me setup for when the time comes
They were at the time new to the country and thought these were bad people trying to experiment on me and were scared and never told me when I got older until I (at the age of 29 trying to figure out what’s wrong with me) found out that I needed a jaw surgery and that my parents were told
They’ve given me a beautiful childhood and their biggest fear is surgery and I get it, and even with me looking weird people still enjoyed being around me because I really had to put it all on my personality but I’m just wondering what could have been…
2
u/schoolgirltrainwreck
My parents got a family friend to do my braces because they couldn’t afford it when I was a kid.. he botched it and was an overall freak who would laugh at me when I was in pain, and spew misogynistic rhetoric into my mouth while he worked.
I’m now self-funding my jaw surgery at 29 years old! I try to be appreciative that my parents tried to get me what they genuinely thought was the best available treatment at the time despite their financial situation. I do wish they stood up for me when the orthodontist did things to make me uncomfortable, I wish they looked closer when he shrugged off things like my overbite getting worse. Life was already hard for them, and I think they wanted easy answers when it came to me. Such was the case for many things growing up.
I get the temptation to blame my parents more about other things (even feeling sad that I have to spend my life battling dysmorphia about other physical traits I inherited from both of them) but it’s a dark path of resentment I try not to let myself go down.
2
u/Hygienist_Bae
[deleted]
1
u/UnfairDream0945
I can't forgive my parents
1
u/whypii
my dad and I were told that my lower jaw needed correcting when I was 16 and first got braces and they said that could be looked into immediately. My dad declined because he thought I looked so much like him and now I'm 24 still with a bad jaw :( ur lucky urs was covered
1
u/anonymous_opinions
I had braces, jaw surgery and relapsed. I don’t really blame my parents since no one back then was trained in or treating my rare disease. Jaw surgery was big in the 90s but became a lot less so later because insurance pays out peanuts and most of you wouldn’t have had severe functional issues as kids
1
u/SpareAny4267
I used to be upset at parents for not putting me on braces for my crooked teeth. As a child my teeth was so badly crooked that people made comments about it and stared at it with disgust. From other children (who most already started wearing braces at age 10-12) to my own narcisstic mother and her friends/relatives. I was too embarassed to smile and always tried to hide it with by forcing my lips shut and putting my hand in front of it, I also always shied away from conversations out of fear of exposing my teeth. I could barely look at my reflection in the mirror.
Throughout my whole life my parents struggled financially so when I was younger I thought they couldn't afford it, when I was an adult I learned that braces would have been completely covered by insurance because I was a child. When I heard that information it made me more angry at their neglect, laziness and lack of parenting.
When I was 23 years, I took to the step to get braces. In my case I had the luck that the crookedness in my teeth was so severe that my insurance covered it almost completely. I only had to pay a few hundred euro's for my braces. The orthodontist also told me in the beginning I had an overbite and gummy smile that I have to fix with jaw surgery, which I declined at the time.
Now, 7 years later and 2 years off braces, and 8 teeth less, I'm doing research into getting jaw surgery. My teeth are straight but my smile looks off, my gummy smile got more gummier and I stopped wearing my retainers every single night because otherwise the space in my mouth will get too tight/small and I start getting breathing issues.
Reading others people experiences with their orthodontic journey and then surgery, I'm in a way glad that I haven't gotten braces in my childhood. My issues are skeletal, so I would have needed the surgery regardless. I had camouflage orthodontics for my overbite -- and hearing how this kind of treatment has deformed and messed up other people's jaws when they were still a child and their was body was still growing and developing, I'm glad I had it done as an adult when my jaws were already done developing.
For a long time I was sad about my teeth, when I was 18-19 I became part of a community where people didn't judge my crooked smile and there I slowly learned to let my guard down and smile freely with them. When I was 20 I left them, and yet again I came into in an environment with people who had negative remarks on my smile, one which was my BF at the time who pressured me into getting braces when I was 23.
Do I forgive my parents? I do now. Whatever their reasons were, there is more to me than my teeth looking a certain way. I'm sad that I wasted my childhood years concealing my smile and being insecure. I'm pissed off at society's expectation of what is "normal" or what is "beautiful". Getting braces, having straight teeth -- these kind of thing is a modern invention. For thousands years people have lived with crooked/deformed teeth and jaws and accepted it. Now it's a norm that every person has this perfect, straight smile, as if it's self-evident. I am good as I am, crooked teeth or not and whether or not I'll get the jaw surgery, people can fuck off with their judgements :-)
1
u/Traditional-Pear573
I understand this so much. Sending you a dm
1
u/Traditional-Pear573
I can’t send you a dm.
1
u/getcaughtstick2code
Yep. Same.
1
u/M345184
Interesting because I’ve had braces since the 4th grade and I had them up until junior year of HS. When I first got braces, I didn’t have an underbite but when I had braces i started developing an underbite… (my dad has an underbite so it was probably genetic) there was really nothing they could do, when they first spotted it they did everything they could to minimize the growth but I still have an underbite, it’s not too noticeable though so I’m not that mad about it.
1
u/HarleysDouble
My parents said the dentist says all kids need braces and my teeth were straight enough.... real reason is they couldn't afford it.
My husband is also bitter because his sister got braces and he didn't because he was a boy? Idk. The surgery is too invasive and expensive for his liking.
1
u/Acceptable-Fishing61
I’ve had a hard time. Couldn’t breathe through my nose my entire childhood (large adenoids)—> open class 2 bite w narrow palate. They only got one sibling out of 3 checked for adenoids but we all had the same problem.
Went alone to my consultations, had upper jaw surgery at 18.
Remember my mom forcing me to sit at the dinner table watching everyone eat while being wired shut for two weeks. She could also yell at me from another floor forgetting that I couldn’t answer.
Now I’m 36, a dentist and going through an upper and lower jaw surgery to correct the first surgery that failed.
I’m not going to tell her. (We are low contact)
1
u/Tsunami-Square-X
My parents didn’t wanna “deal with” anything for me either. Ever. lol.
1
u/WeWhoSurvived
Narcissists
1
u/DependentArcher8393
My parents never brought me to a dentist despite being free and no I don't forgive them, that would be a disservice to the adult teeth I've lost as a teenager.
1
u/noahh1308
I feel you because when I was like 10 my dad said he would make me wear braces but he never did (I and crooked teeth and a missing canine), later at like 14/15 we went to an orthodontist who said I needed jaw surgery because I was too severe and he said that I couldn’t get surgery because it gave him heartache thinking about bones getting cut. Around 3 years ago my dad changed his mind thanks to my older sister who told him this kind of deformity can cause health issues long term ( I already had head aches almost daily) and he said I could get jaw surgery if I wanted, I never had money for braces and in my case it was useless to get braces without jaw surgery, I had gave up at 14/15 already tbh. I sometimes do resent my parents like you do because they know I had some issues in my teeth already and later in the jaws, I saw my photos from my childhood and I always had an underbite I don’t know why they thought it looked normal. I just put up with my ugly teeth and jaws and I always avoided looking at myself in mirrors and photos.
1
u/sunalee_
I received orthodontic treatment and I still needed a genio, moreover for aesthetics I think I would have benefitted from double jaw surgery but my case is too mild now for me to get into the process. Now I’m thinking about facial implants.
1
u/itsjoshtaylor
Same, they neglected my scoliosis as well. It’s medical neglect.
1
u/Fljl2121
I was told I needed it At 9 but I don’t think my dad could of afforded it and I know they didn’t understand what I needed, after I had it done my grandma who mainly took care of me told me she had no idea how much it would help me
1
u/Electrical_Day_5272
Yea I am dealing with this dilemma. Didn’t get braces cause I couldn’t stop sucking my thumb til like the end of middle school. Kinda sad tbh cause I don’t know how to stop. I try not to hold anything against them because that’s not going to fix anything.
1
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